Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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