According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize