You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
