Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
