then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
