My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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