The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize