Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
