DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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