I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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