There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
