When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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