We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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