I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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