Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
