You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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