If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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