Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
