i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
