Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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