Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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