i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
