I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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