??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
