You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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