i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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