Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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