Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
