Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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