Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
