My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
