Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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