Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize