mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
