I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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