please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
