Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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