3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
