Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
