the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
