Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
