Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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