Your face is a jimmy john
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
