He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
