It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
