I'm so fucking centered right now
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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