Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
