You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
