the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
