we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
