im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
