People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
