thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
