looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize