dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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