Me. At least after what I've been through.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
