So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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