I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
