how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
