rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
