every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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