Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
