I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize