cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
